…and I’m using an ancient machine with an ancient browser that doesn’t let me do most things.

Until the Apple (I’m switching to a mac, I’m scared) and Fedex gods bring me a new one, things are going to be mighty sketchy around here. Words shall be misspelled, photos may look sketchy, I may forget my name. Yes, I’m blaming that last one on the ancient computer also.

Also, since we’re here, I thought I’d share some words of wisdom. Since this ancient computer doesn’t like the submit button on Twitter, I’m sharing my singular deep thoughts right here, right now. You and me.

1. Yesterday I learned that if you bring a firearm to Kennedy airport, you get treated like the Pope. Especially if you wear polka dot flip flops and look innocent. After I befriended a TSA and a Port Authority cop, they personally scribbled their initials on my boarding pass and ushered me past the line right through security. I think they felt bad because I had to wait while they dealt with a guy and his fake ID, and another guy prosthletizing the joys of going barefoot through the world. He spoke in depth about his caluses and their resistance to broken glass.

2. JetBlue didn’t put my firearm on the plane. I proclaimed my distress, brought my hand to my forehead, and they gave me vouchers. I like vouchers. But still no firearm JetBlue… I’m waiting. She’s pricey and pretty. Bring her back to me.

3. I’m going to have chicken wings for dinner. Because I deserve it after all of the tumult.

Goodnight.