You’ve heard me wax poetic about my love of squirrel meat. If you haven’t then read my book!

This past week I went from testing recipes with a generator thanks to hurricane Sandy, to living in the library until I got kicked out because of a Nor’easter snow storm (they wanted to close, how could they! I have a book to write, people!). Then on Friday I had to take a break to go get me some squirrels for a TV show I’m doing. I think I waxed a little too poetic about squirrel so now people want to taste it. I explained to them that I couldn’t just go to the grocery store, I needed some advance warning to procure my ingredients.

My brother and I marched off to a state forest in upstate New York and went squirrel hunting. We brought Charlie with us who was absolutely thrilled because there’s nothing he likes more than a plump squirrel.

We saw some pheasant while we were there too, it was thrilling. But we only brought home squirrel. I intended to take more photos and videos and such but I just couldn’t manage it. My brain is about to explode with all that I am juggling right now. But I thought I’d tell you about my socially awkward life, instead.

For example, while I was in the woods, this was the text message exchange between me and my girlfriend:

Her: “Does the coconut oil I buy have to be refined or unrefined?”

Me: “Doesn’t matter, I’m in the woods hunting squirrel!!”

Her: “Omg.”

Me: “Just got a squirrel!”

Her: “You are literally going to cook a squirrel you caught in the woods???? How much meat can even be on it?”

Me: “Yea, you need two per person. I had to go to the ‘grocery store’!”

Her: “Omg.”

Her: “Did you know that when you Google your name the first word that pops up next to it is “married”? People want to know if you’re married.”

Me: “I’m skinning a squirrel!”

That night, Friday night, when I got home I skinned more squirrel. I’m such a party animal.

Luckily Saturday night, another friend invited me to a gathering at her house. I have friends! Can you believe it?

I was sitting there at the party chatting away, hadn’t been there 5 minutes and the people next to me said they had killed a squirrel yesterday.

Me: “I did too!”

Them: “Really? You ran over a squirrel too?”

Me: “Uh, no… I… shot a squirrel.”

Awkward, confused silence in the room…

 

But to prove that not all my friends think I’m an alien, there is this other exchange I had with another girlfriend who happens to make gorgeous taxidermy, everything from hats to broaches.

Me: “Can I interest you in some squirrel tails? They will be fresh tomorrow.”

Her: “You bet I would! Yay!!!”

Me: “Skinning squirrel on a Friday night. I’m such a party animal.”

Her: “I hope my name came up at least once.”

Me: “I started a special squirrel fur bag just for you ; )

Her: Lots of heart symbols.

Me: “Do you want whole bodies or just tails???”

Her: “Bodies are great too! Thanks!!!”

 

The moral of the story is this, my friends:

1. Don’t invite me to any social situations unless you want awkward confused silence in the room 5 minutes after I arrive.

2. Do invite me to social situations if you want me to supply you with awesome squirrel fur.

3. I’m best left to my own strange world.

4. Squirrel is delicious!

 

Your  Friend,

Squirrel Hunter

 

p.s. Will you be my friend?

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