A Raccoon Penis Necklace + Other Things That Happened to Me in April

I have a friend named Beth Beverly who is pretty much the coolest cat there ever was. First of all, look at that green jump suit. The fact that she can rock that says it all. We have been friends for quite a while, since she sent me this amazing brooch. She now has a TV show on AMC called “Immortalized” which you should watch to see the full effect of her amazing creativity.

She also has a website where you can peruse her incredible work and order some magic for yourself.

She just sent me a new necklace which I am in love, love, love with.

Can you tell what it is? Can you?

It’s a raccoon penis.

You heard me.

According to Beth, there is lore behind the raccoon baculum which may come in handy for those of you trying to have children (Note: NOT me). She writes:

“Penis bones. Baculum. Texas Toothpicks. Mojo Moneymakers. Amazing little things, except when you factor in the size of a raccoon they may not seem so little, measuring in at about 5”. Plenty of animals have bones in their penises, although this was news to me two years ago when I stumbled upon the lore of the Raccoon Baculum in Melissa Milgrom’s book Still Life in which she mentions passing one onto a friend who was trying to conceive (It worked). Apparently this bone, when worn as an amulet, is believed to bring baby mojo. It also just helps folks get laid in general apparently. I think this may be true of all penis bones but the raccoons have a good deal of lore about them which is actually quite fun to, er, bone up on. AHHHHHH I couldn’t resist sorry.

This is another very similar charm I just sent off to my pal Georgia Pellegrini this afternoon. The bone itself dried out to be a little darker than the other; I did use an oil to give it a sort of ethereal sheen but it was applied after the deep color had already set in so maybe this is just a more potent bone. Wear with care, Ms. Georgia!

Happy Texas Toothpickin’!”

Beth Beverly and I will be planning some work shops together. STAY TUNED.

And now it is time to tell you some other things that happened to me in April.

Some of the most important news is that Shiner’s summer brew is back in season and I tell you that you must try it if you want to feel like you have truly lived life before you cross over to the other side.

I spoke at the Texas Foodways Symposium and ate a lot of BBQ. I ate a lot in general. *Burp.* Sorry.

Then I swore off barbecue forever.

Then a week later I ate this BBQ.

Texas forever, baby!

At this same party, which took place at the amazing Freedmen’s in Austin, I discovered a collection of bitters on the market.

I have always wanted to be a lumberjack. These bitters gave me even more resolve. Of course it turns out they were invented by a guy in Austin, land of lumberjack hipsters.

Also in April, after I ate too much barbecue, a tall, dark, and handsome man offered to make me pizza from scratch. I accepted. Because no one ever offers to cook for me and well… the pizza was epic.

Also in April, I took my girlfriend Katy out for a Sunday Funday in honor of her impending nuptials.

We toured a winery in Fredricksburg where a rogue cowboy unexpectedly lifted me into the air, and then, once we got him to put me down, Katy and I had a private shopping party at my favorite store in ALL of Texas: Root.

Oh! And we tried to break into a ranch to take pictures in front of goats but this is as far as we got.

Speaking of awesome girlfriends, I went to visit one who was in San Antonio for a work trip and while trying to find each other in the lobby of a hotel, we were offered box tickets to a Spurs game by an oil company.

Only in Texas. Thanks Nitro oil company! The wings and queso were so good.

Then I went with my manager/friend to tour the grounds of a future Girl Hunter Weekend which I can’t wait to share with you.

By request, I’ve started working with bachelorette groups for mini Girl Hunter Weekends and this is the most magical spot. Our first one is in June.

Also, how about that golf cart? I heart Texas.

Also in April, we had a brain storm at my office with my office friends to hash out the title of my book. There was a white board. It was full of words. And we have a title!!! I can’t wait to do the big reveal.

Except that in the midst of all of that, my computer did this.

3 books later, my hard drive finally gave up on me.

I’m almost back up and running at full speed again, but wow, it really makes you realize how your whole life can be on a computer. It made me want to step off the grid and disappear… but then I wouldn’t have you any more, so I decided to stick around. Cause I love ya. Duh.

Here is a sneak peek at the kind of cool things that are going to be in my upcoming book.

It’s crafty, full of recipes, skills, projects and fun.

Speaking of fun, and necklaces, and girlfriends, do y’all know the Junk Gypsy gals? I’m friends with Jolie from the duo and when I saw her post this necklace from their website I screamed, “How do I get it?! I want to be Pocahontas! Please!”

And because she’s so sweet and lovely, she just went ahead and sent it to me in the mail. They have a fab show on HGTV that you really need to check out. They’re so talented.

Then Austin Food & Wine happened! Buick invited me to a fancy dinner at Paggi House which was delicious and romantic looking.

There were shiny new vehicles too. But I decided to try their signature cocktail instead. Make this at home! I’m a sucker for cucumber in my drink.

Then, on a magical weather night in Austin, top down, we drove to the opening event for the festival.

There were lots of bites of food being passed about.

And I got to see some ol’ friends, Andrew Zimmern with his beautiful wife and Molly, you works with Andrew and does the fun podcast, “Go Fork Yourself.”

I love those guys.

There was some great music. And the trees were dangling with light bulbs.

Then there was an after party at Mellow Johnny’s, Lance Armstrong’s bike shop… it was a sweet treats party. That is a macaroon chandelier! I’m having it installed in my home as we speak.

I ate chocolate lollipops and lots of sugar with Molly and Dusti. You can tell we are hopped up on sugar. It was the right thing to do.

And then… the next day, after my sugar coma…

Katy got married!

And I found myself in another photo booth with my Oklahoma City/New York friend Joey. We took a moment to tell the newlyweds how we felt about them.

They are a magical couple.

Also, I love sparklers.

Then we went to the after party and on the way Joey demonstrated that he has a burgeoning career in car selfies.

Also sun roof photography.

It rained while the sun roof was open.

You should try it sometime.

And then, finally, the last day of Austin Food & Wine happened. And I realized that Marcus Samuelson needs to take me shopping.

And the fabulous Andrew made wild dove, duck and pheasant on his demo stage. And then he asked me to come up and try it, and I agreed that his dove tasted like meat marshmallow.

And then I got to the office today to write to you and catch up.

And as I did I also noticed, someone vandalized my office with graffiti.

I forgive them. Because I love them too. Even though I don’t know who they are.

I’m going to be working on a series of cooking videos for you this week based on all of your content requests, get ready! And happy Monday.